Not a hopeless romantic

I'm  sorry i can not leave you alone. I just had to e-stalk you and let you know that I'm so proud of you.  But that, somehow, rekindled my feelings for you, the emotions that I'm trying to suppress and bury. And at the back of my mind I'm thinking that it may be a mistake. I've been trying to reconcile what it is that i really feel about you. I cried for you even before we get into a loving relationship. I cried during our relationship. And i cried, and am still crying, even harder now that we have dissolved that relationship. Why can't i seem to let you go? Why does my thoughts drift to you every waking hour? You're on my mind the moment my eyes opened each morning, and  you're my last thoughts at night. Screw this heart that holds the faintest expectation of ever getting back together! I'm so angry with myself for being so dumb and so stupid and so hopelessly inlove! 
...love me again... 

1 stanza

Hindi na muling titibok pa
Ang pusong ito para sa iba
Pagkat pag-ibig na alay
Sa iyo lamang ibibigay.

The chronic misery of an emotion in distress

Why does it seems like every song in the radio nowadays is about break up, heartbreak or melancholy love? Does it mean that there are a lot of broken hearts scattered in the world today? Or does the universe knows what i am going through and that i am currently swimming in the murky puddle created by my tears? I just wanna know, i just want some answers, because there are still a lot of unanswered questions in my mind that demanded some form of response from me every single day. And i thought this heartbreak, this brokeness, would go away in a matter of time...well i guess it hadn't been that long, but surely it must have let up a little. But why does it feels like it was only yesterday when it was inevitably shattered to pieces? And why, for the love of -, my heart still hopes for the one it couldn't,  wouldn't, shouldn't have? And the unending barrage of questions starts to pour out ...and goes on and on unrelenting.

Jeremiah 38

Sometimes it feels like you're drowning in water.  Sometimes it feels like you're  going through fire.  But other times you're actually sinking down in mud. There are many circumstances that we are going through, and sometimes it seems to drag a long time and that you're drowning or charring or sinking deeper. But fear not. God is always beside you to see you through and to comfort and encourge you along the way. And most importantly, God will save the day.

???

The most difficult thing to swallow is the feeling that there's particularly nothing wrong with our relationship, but we ended it anyway...

I'm not strong enough
Not well enough
To see you moving on
Not content enough
Not convinced enough
To let this all go.

Still

Here I am thinking about you
Wonderin’ why I ever feel so blue
I’ll never know if you will have a clue
That here I am thinking about you

Hoping that I made it very clear
There’s no one that compares to you my dear
Wanna hold you close and whisper in your ear
Hoping I would make it very clear

That I...
I love you still

Someday is what all we have today
Let our love to find another way
But if not then I will have to pray
That someday I wouldn’t ever have to say

That I...
I love you still

Moon

Sleepless night
The moon is bright
And the world never stops spinning.

Winter,spring
Summer on full swing
And i still can't shake this feeling.

Until when

When will i not stalk your facebook?

When will i not miss you?

When will i not chase the memories?

Wishes

I wish i didn't close my eyes when we're going through the winding road to Pangasinan.
I wish i let you sleep in my room when you wanted to when we got back from Lupao falls and that night before we go to Isabela.
I wish i didn't left you in bed that morning when i woke up with sore left side. I wish i could've just turn and spoon you instead.
I wish i said 'yes' when you said lets go to that denuded hill.

40-day Habit

They say you could form a sturdy habit in 40 days. They say that when you do something for 40 days straight, you will automatically do it without strain for the next day or so. Well, what I’m trying to find out is, does that mean you could also unlearn the same habit in 40 days? I’m still trying to decide on that, because right now, I’m still in the habit of thinking about you, wondering about how you’re doing, still looking at our pictures, still wanting to hear your voice and see you smile again. And I’m way past the 40 days of unlearning that habit. Even my keypad is not over its habit yet. Every time i will pull it up to type something, the first word it’ll suggest is still ‘Love’. 

Slow process

What am i hoping to accomplish if i would open the communication line with him?

Maybe it’s just depression talking. I breezed through denial, anger and bargaining stages of break up, but it seems like I’m kinda getting stuck in the depression stage of the process. Perhaps I’m just thinking about him a lot, which might be unhealthy for moving on. I hope depression would just commit suicide for acceptance to shine through. 

Pangarap

Dito kita pinangarap na makasama

Ngunit drawing lang pala ang lahat aking sinta

Tick tock

24 more minutes
Until I'm done pretending...

The big D

Denial...
In the face of reality...
A potion for misery...

Smile

Will i ever see you smile again? I will miss seeing you smile, knowing somehow I'm the reason behind it.

Dreaming awake

I close my eyes to chase that dream before it will be forever erased in my memory.  Only to be awakened by the reality that it's all been but a dream all along.

Movie night

Sometimes i wish my life were like that of a movie, where conflicts are resolved just by showing up and saying a few lines, where the girl gets the boy in a 5 minute time lapse, where things work out before your drink is through. But I don’t live in studios, and my life is not a movie. My life continues to happen even after the one and a half hours required time of running. 

Heart’s a mess

My heart is badly breaking right now. 

And no matter how rational you argue with it, it just wouldn’t stop bleeding. 

I know how it hurts so bad right now, but one month, six months, one year from now, be assured that it wouldn’t hurt as much anymore. Just hang in there.