dumb-founded

??? My first instinct when i received and read that out-of-nowhere message was to let my phone slip through my hands and just let it drop to the floor.  I tried to suppress a vomit that is forming at my throat.  My face literally crumpled, too late to realize it was an unsolicited message of endearment hidden in the innocence of a rainy day greeting  i just read..  Drama aside, i am fascinated by what moves us to do certain things that we might feel, at first, a little afraid to do and then just go against our better judgement, and perhaps instinct, and allow ourselves to just go ahead with it.  Should we partly blame Nike for encouraging us with their familiar slogan to "just do it'? What motivates us to send that message that we know would be ignored? What instigates us to swallow our pride and just do what we wanted to do and do it even with our eyes closed and our fingers crossed?  What necessitates that feeling of fulfillment knowing that you have unleashed something that you have been hanging and holding on for the past years of your life?  It is not easy, i know.  I also had some moments like that in my life.  And i now remember fondly that i only did it only under the influence of a strong drink.  But what ignites us and prompts us to lose ourselves in the moment?  What is that force that encourages us to do something that later we might regret doing? 

now what?

Sometimes i just don't Know how to react or when to react . It's as if something or someone is hindering me to do it. And so i ended up reacting badly or unacceptably or worse, offensively. Other times i ended up regretting not reacting at all. It's a little bit frustrating when you can't express your emotions the way that could bring you inner joy And peace.

Postulated Notions

Assuming is like treading on dangerous mine-embedded grounds.  Or swimming on deep water where you can drown. It postulates things that aren't present.  It presupposes things that aren't really there.  

out of the way

I went biking this morning to somehow burn three servings of Pancit and a slice of Brazo de Mercedes that i willingly chow down yesterday.  I have this unperturbed notion that after biking 4 km i could run two sets around the track field without having to catch my breath.  But when i got to CLSU,  my tongue is hanging out of my mouth. I decided (against my desire) to leave plan a and just bike around the campus (and leave the track field to other fitness freaks).  A while later, a good-looking guy in an unregistered motor cycle ride past me but keep on looking behind his shoulder at me. And as I biked along, he circled around and approached me and asked me if the bike I was using was rented. I told him no and that it was mine. We left it at that... And on my way home I was beating myself that I haven’t done anything to somehow linger in the conversation.  The opportunity to know and have a new acquaintance--and a guy at that-- presented itself and I was too bloody shy to even carry out a decent conversation. I should have done something, anything, to get to know the good-looking guy. What a waste! And the unforgiving thing about it is that it’s because of me, my own fault, my own lack of self-esteem. At least I have an experience should other similar situation may arise, i have, hopefully, the capacity to execute smoothly whatever discourse might take place.

e-stalker

I decided to put up a Twitter account because of one reason only -- the guy i liked is on Twitter.  I'm an e-stalker of this lovely guy i met personally July of 2012 on a product launch.  And today i found  out  that he has a blogspot account too, which means only one thing -- more ways to e-stalk him.  That may sound creepy but hey - he's the one who's broadcasting his profiles.  What else could a love-at-first-sight-struck girl like me could do but to look for him on line?  And one of the glorious perks of having an internet connection is to be updated on his profiles and know him more! Convenient, living a life vicariously.  

I realized something as i was thinking about him.  I once liked a guy like him.  Is this a pattern?  I like color men.  Hmmmmm....

Well, catch you later, and hope to bump into you here or on Twitter soon.

the real winner

I praise God for the opportunity to know and truly experience great victory and freedom and release last night at a friend's wedding.  The one who hated me with all her guts was there, along with the reason for her to be that upset with me.  God is my true source of strength and power and victory to overcome things that i thought would be too much to handle.  I was relieved when there wasn't any hatred, or jealousy, or anger in me when i saw them and be in approximate distance with them.  I can honestly say that i am victorious and an overcomer through Jesus Christ!

What's bothering me, though, is the fact that if they have really moved on like what a friend told me, then wouldn't it be appropriate that they could approach me and say that everything will be alright now?  That everything has been forgiven, although not forgotten?  That let us leave the former things behind and start being friends again??  But sadly, none whatsoever.  Well, at least for me, i can honestly say that i have moved on, considering the amount of  progress i've made emotionally.