your eyes

your soulful eyes have betrayed me.
your eyes are the window to all the good things that you possessed.
i was once lost in the beauty of your eyes, and up until now, i am still consumed by the power it once radiates towards me.
your eyes seem to mesmerize me even when they're closed, but most vehemently when they cried the tears that i thought were mine.
your eyes still enchant me from the look that you gave on your still portrait.
your eyes taunted me in a way i had never been tempted before.
i had never held a gaze such as in your eyes that could have swallowed my soul.
your eyes never fail to captivate my deepest emotions and buried regrets.

caffeine in my vein

i had never been

truly wide awake

since the last time

i cried because of him

when we inevitably decided to separate.

i am losing blood

for lack of sleep

i am losing sense of time.

i am losing count

of the days

i spent

without him here.

i am flamboyantly over dressed

for this night's shallow hunt.

i am overwhelming 

with sorrowful regrets.

drowning my hatred

with this

double espresso

entwined in my finger.

it would be closing soon.

and i would be left

with the bastard

still running

in my veins.

friend loves at all times

i was on my way to work this morning and i chance upon four elementary school girls on the road in the middle of nowhere. i wondered why aren't they in school. and as i approached them i came to reminisce about my old elementary school days, that was 19 years ago. and me and my friends were just like them in a way. wandering around in the campus (when there's no class), frolicking and just hanging out together..
after all, that's what friends suppose to do, right? hang out together, meet every chance that they have, and spend time..
but it's me that had stripped off of that privilege with my friends. it's my fault we're all drowning in memories past. or is it just me?
i hope there will be time to make amends.
i hope we could all hang out together again.
i hope to seek forgiveness and acceptance..

(from clubs.marist.edu)

testings

God wasn't the one who identified or gave what testings Job should be going through, but satan. 
God gave satan permission to do whatever it is that he wanted to test Job with as long as it wouldn't involve taking his life.
so satan is the one who chooses what we should go through, to test us if what we declare or confess or believe in is the vital and outmost important in our life. 
satan is the one who tests us if we will still stand on the truth that we are holding and hanging on.
and remember that satan can use anything and anyone, including those people who are close to you on a daily basis, to test you and try you.

JACM - ten thousand "i'm sorry"

i am longing for the sound of my friends' laughter.. their endless talks.. silly jokes..

the occasional shedding of tears..

friends.. 

never fail to invent a reason for a get together. just so we can get together.

never fail to bestow a pet name for you (like Panis, Dragon, Aneng, Ech-Ech or Joy To The World).

never fail to make you smile and make life worthwhile, even for just the moment that you are with them.

friends never fail to make you feel welcome, wanted, loved.

friends never fail..

but i failed.

i failed them.. i failed them when i pursued my own happiness..

i failed them when i thought of myself above the good of the group..

i failed them when i overlooked and abused the trust that they placed on me..

i failed them..

and ten thousand "i'm sorry" cannot undo what i've done..

ten thousand "i'm sorry" will not erase my mistakes..

ten thousand "i'm sorry" may never be enough..

but ten thousand "i'm sorry" can start the healing process..

ten thousand "i'm sorry" can bridge the gap..

ten thousand "i'm sorry" is better than not having to say "sorry" at all.

IM SORRY ( x TEN THOUSAND)

number

a million and one raindrops

could never fill me

i'm twenty-three

and still have nothing

there are more than

a hundred ways to die

but i only wanna see you

just for one day

i'm nearly eighty-two miles

away from home

driving at thirty-five kilometers per hour

i'm not in a hurry

i'm excited to see

my fourth sunset off this road

it has been five nights

since i'm away

finding seventy-six reasons

to stay

but found ninety-five reasons

to go

fourteen minutes past bedtime

still thinking of you

i'm anxious of what

i can do

in seven days

for you.

hands off

the race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong,

nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant

or favor to the learned;

but time and chance happen to them all.

as fish is caught in a cruel net,

or as birds are taken in a snare,

so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them.

we may do everything that we needed to do
and be great at it, too.
we may have the best of what life has to offer
making our existence better.
but still, the Sovereignty of the Lord covers over every -little- thing.
God has the final say on what will unfold and happen in our lives.
the important thing is ---
trust God,
let go of the things you have no control of,
and Trust God even more.


Ecclesiastes 9 .

tear drops

as the rain stopped falling

i could see the sun

i'm not accustomed to it

it hurt my eyes

it burns a hole in me.

as the sun rolled down

i could see the moon

it's not that beautiful anymore

it doesn't lit up my path

it makes me shudder.

as the moon dimmed

i could see the clouds

floating on by

straining my eyes to see

the silver lining.

and as the clouds thin away

i could see the stars

makes me tender

makes me bold

makes me wonder

and as i gazed upon them

i secretly wished

and hoped

for the rain

to fall

on me

again.

loneliness

loneliness
grips you
surrounds you
burn your eyes
drills a hole
in your aching heart.
nothing much to say
nobody here will hear.
cry, sometimes
it's good 
to cry
saddened by
the tears
that rolls down
your cheek.
melancholy
grabs you by your throat
until the silent sobs
you only hear.
turn off the lights 
sleep deep
and until then
the loneliness, melancholy
the infinite sadness
grips you again.

worm-like

No matter how little or insignificant or small you think you are, God wants you to know that He will help you and strengthen you. No matter what you have done in the past or what mistakes you may have committed, God wants you to know that He still choose you and have not rejected you as His servant. 
So do not fear, and do not be dismayed, for God still sits enthroned in heaven. The Lord is in control. 
Isaiah 41.

sapping sadness

where is the scar that i'm trying to hide?
all those lonely days are welling up again
like it never did go away.
maybe they're here to stay




why do i weep?
what am i trying to keep?
in this strange feeling of nothingness in me.




questions of why
why why why